I gave a partner of mine a book once. It was called "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. You can look it up on Amazon. It was one of the best relationship books I had read. Basically, the premise of the whole book is what underpins the US television series, Sex in the City.
The theme goes something like "men are afraid to tell women that the relationship is over, so they just drop the bundle and start acting poorly. Women think this is ok, natural, and therefore, compromise. Then there is resentment, dragged out relationships and misery."
I thought this book set a sort of standard that men needed to understand. It implied that 'nearly good enough' wasn't, and that a marriage contract was not a license to drop the romance that caused it in the first place. The more I read the book, the more I realised that although it was written for women about men, all the issues were actually identical for men about women.
I meet both men and women in business all over the world. They are very demanding people - exacting uncompromising standards of quality control, discipline, focus and attention from everyone who works with them, and more so from themselves. At home, they are highly exacting with their children, expecting the best, helping them grow and learn. But when it comes to their relationship, my witnessing has not been all that positive.
Although we now have an ever improving standard of equality of the sexes at work, very few men can be humble enough to honor it at home. It seems that in the lists of most professional peoples priorities, their relationship is highest on their agenda when they are horny or lonely, or when something is not going well at work. But when the wind is blowing nicely, the sails are up and the sky is blue, their attention to relationship takes a back seat.
I know that nobody can treat you better than you treat yourself. So, unlike the book mentioned above, I don't see victims. I do, however, see the need to draw lines in the sand. (This does not include emotionally disturbed people who cannot remain attractive. They need to personally clean up their emotional laundry, by taking some responsibility for it so they can actually turn up for a relationship). Lines in the sand are for an emotionally healthy individual, who deserves to be met in relationship as the most important person in their partner's life. And for this, I think the book is a great call to action for both men and women.
It must be a shock for those women who realise they are bound up in a marriage with children and a man who is "just not that into you." I think it is at this point that this book can be of enormous value. I believe compromise is completely unnecessary; it is out of the question in a healthy spirited life. Here are just a few of the reasons I think that being with a person who is "just not that into you" does not need to be tolerated.
1. You are not a victim. Nobody treats you better than you treat yourself. If you can't see that you deserve better how can they?
2. Nothing is missing it just changes in form. Sometimes the affection in a relationship comes from other relationships, and therefore, fills a person's personal space. Like ex partners, children, friends, families, sports, religion, yoga gurus, self-obsession, and financial obsession. Many times, people are connected to other people and things in an intimate and valued bond. They are not available. Nothing is missing, so, if the space is already taken by someone else, how can a lover step into it
3. What you appreciate grows. If you want to be honored and treated better, it is wise to appreciate what you are getting. Complaining about what you are not getting is a sure fire way to reduce the value of what little may already exist. Sometimes, and especially when "he's just not into you", there is an expectation that no matter how you treat someone else, they will still treat you well. A person, who is not thankful, is the most unromantic sausage on earth. And thank you's are not what goes on in your head. I remember one lady said to me, "I was always thankful, I just forgot to show it". It's the small things that count.
4. Are you hoping to be treated better than you treat yourself? I meet some very stressed out, mentally exhausted, totally hyperventilating people running around self-obsessing about their work their kids, their age or their country of residence, who are looking for a relationship to "solve their personal problems." Marianne Williamson makes the comment, "Make a list of all the things you want in your love, list them all. Then look at that list, imagine the person, and then ask yourself "would that person go out with you?" Her suggestion is that you become those things on the list.
5. Love is a lifestyle. Can you imagine that in the book on "he's just not that into you", there is no talk about how diet, clothing, health, happiness, stillness, spirit can affect how a partner feels about you. If you both eat heavy at night, then love is a slugging match. Two full bellies rubbing against each other does not make for romance. I remember one lady who loved to dance. She gave it up for her relationship and wondered why her partner, who encouraged her to give it up, was just "not into her". Well the basic answer is, "she was just not into herself", she loved that dancing and she loved that spirit of life. She lost the spark. So, he got what he wanted; more time, but the quality was poor. Always remember, it's your job to come home inspired, not theirs to make you inspired.
6. Birthdays, Christmas's, Valentines Day, weekends. We have broken the year into "special days" so that the rest of the time we can "be normal". What a stupid idea that is. Who thought of that? Work five days like a zombie, and rest on the weekend, in time for Monday. Have sex at night after dinner. Take romantic holidays. Who broke the year into these mechanised compartments, stole spontaneity and threw away the key.
7. A lot of things get in the way of love that shouldn't. For a start there's that emotion we have about the lover who hurt us, or that friend who hurt our friend, or that father who hurt our mother. If you are in a relationship, and don't know how to process your disappointments, your heartbreaks, you'll only go on the baby slopes of love. If there is one thing I would love you to learn from my book, one thing I value more than anything else, it's that you learn how to process your disappointments and heartbreaks so you can stay on the steepest slopes of love, flying into the wind with an open heart and spontaneous joy. I do. This is my spirit. Alive, because I know how to stop on skis, I also know how to process my hurt.
Chris Walker is a world leading change agent, an environmentalist and author of more than 20 books. Born and bred in Australia, he consults to people and organisations throughout the world on improved relationships, health and lifestyle through the application of the Universal laws of Nature. The result he offers is that we stay balanced, share loving relationships, work with passion, enjoy success, and live our personal truth. To learn more about Chris?s work and journeys to Nepal, visit http://www.chriswalker.com.au
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